Ocean

I tried. My intentions were true and pure. I broke my barriers to reach you. I tore down my walls of fear. I accepted being vulnerable, I took the leap. I crossed the unknown to land a kiss on your lips.

I thought there was an understanding between us. I thought it was deep. I thought it transcended the boundaries of the physical. I thought it may be meant to be. I thought it could be everything.

I’ve been in the desert. I’ve been desperately thirsty. I’ve never stopped seeing that mirage, that calls out to me from far away and offers to quench my thirst. I’ve been running to it for so long, without getting even a step closer. It’s time to stop.

For once I will not blame myself. I will not feel regret. I will not self-loathe, or criticize, or judge, or hate or bash. My intentions have been pure all along. All I wished was to connect, to feel safety and support. To feel complete. To fall asleep breathing in the scent of your skin. That’s all.

But when the response to my purity and sincerity is shallowness… when it’s the raw and untamed lust that objectifies my soul and is willing to break my fragile heart for its egocentric satisfaction, it’s over. I will not allow my light to be blemished that way.

Everyone claims to love, while they do not love at all. They don’t understand that love means sacrifice, that it means putting the needs of others before your own needs.

If I had been truly loved, my fragility, my hurt, my fear, my hesitation would be understood. I would be treated with gentleness and patience. I would be given the opportunity to heal, and the space to re-blossom.

Do you think I am incapable of loving you? Of showing my affection?

Oh how you err.

You do not have the remotest idea of the extent of my passion and affection. You cannot realize that to be loved by me, is to be loved for the first time. That my touch is not only a sensation on your skin, but a shower of love on your spirit. That my kisses are accepting, and healing of every fear and shortcoming you have ever felt.

Would one replace this, with mere desire?

Desire is helpless, fleeting, pitiful. I am the source of desires, and its remedy too. Desires are too small for my vast spirit, that expands and engulfs all of existence.

You wish to define me by your desires? Oh how small and little you think!

I offer you an ocean, while you wish to be satisfied by a drop!

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This Mess Is You

the-shack

The Shack (2017)

Let me ask you, how confident are you in your ability to discern good from evil?
Usually pretty obvious.
And your basis for something being good is what?
If it helps me, or the people that I love.
And evil?
It’s harmful, if it hurts someone I care about.
So, pretty much, you are the judge.
Yea, I guess.
You ever been wrong? Or changed your opinion all the time?
Sure.

And there are billions like you. Each determining what you think is good and evil. And when your good clashes with your neighbor’s evil, arguments ensue. Wars break out because all insist on playing God. You weren’t meant to do any of that. All on your own. This was always meant to be a conversation between friends. 

What do you think? [referring to the garden]
It’s still a mess.
Yes, it is Mac. Wild, wonderful, and perfectly in process. This mess is you.

The Night

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Saawariya (2007)

I’ve been having a hard time sleeping lately.

It’s not that I’m not sleepy or tired, or won’t be able to sleep if I tried. It’s like my mind resists the idea of falling asleep.

I’ve always loved the night. That period between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. is so beautiful and promising. It brings the satisfaction of having overcome one more day, and the next one seems unperceivably far away. In those hours, it feels as though I have all of infinity at my fingertips.

If I sleep, I feel like I will miss out on something, Like missing a train that can never be caught again. Like missing ideas and emotions that only conceive and blossom in the mysterious, romantic, drowsy moments of the night.

When the hot, bright, contrasting colors of the realistic day fade away, the darkness and coolness brings new possibilities. A different world, a different me.

My mind slows down. I start to listen. Really listen. As thoughts and rigidness relax and fall away, true emotions begin to emerge and show themselves. Like they were hiding under the bed, waiting for the night to arrive.

The sun exposes too much. It reveals the shapes and dents of everything and anything. It’s too dazzling. It forces me to close my eyes.

But the night… The moonlight brings far more clarity than the sun. I sense more than I look. I’m infused and transformed into something a little different than the night before. Every night makes a new me. I don’t want to lose out on that experience.

Do you love the night?

Truths, Cynics, and the Greatest Love of All

Some believe that love is about another person. No. Love is about ourselves.

It’s about how it makes us feel. It’s the emotions, thoughts, dreams and expectations that we attach to an idealized image of someone else.

And again some believe that love means being with another person. But loving someone doesn’t mean that you have to be with them. It doesn’t mean that the person is right for you or will make you happy and vice versa. It doesn’t even mean that the person is good. Love is not logical. It’s not pre-programmed and it doesn’t fit into a rigid construct. Sometimes, loving someone just means that the person takes up some space in your mind and heart. Maybe forever, and maybe not. And still, that person in your mind and heart is not the real one… it’s the idealized image of that person… because that’s the only one we ever want to keep.

Who is this soul mate that everyone keeps talking about? Is there such a thing? What does a soul mate look like? How do you know it’s him?

What if a soul mate is not a spouse or life companion in the traditional sense? But rather just someone who understands us and accepts us completely and without reservation? Why must all be found in one magical person? Who can satisfy us emotionally, intellectually and physically? Is that the soulmate, the one person who can accomplish all three?

I’ve always longed for a soulmate. Not finding him forced me to broaden my mind.

The alternative truth about all of this is that we are made to believe by society that all of us– our thinking and way of life– must fit into a single box. We are born, we study, we work, we get married, we have children, we raise them, we retire, and we die. Everyone falls in love. Everyone finds someone suitable for themselves. Everyone has a soulmate.

Today I want to tell you the reality. None of this is true. Some people fall in love, and often not mutually. Most people do not find someone suitable for themselves, and few people have what they call a soulmate. And ALL people compromise.

The world is not the cinematic fantasy driven into our heads and hearts as children. Life is challenging and it almost never turns out the way we plan. The true secret to happiness is compromise. Compromising in all areas of life and learning to be content with what we have and not what could have been.

Your elementary school teacher lied to you. What she should have said was: “You cannot be anything you want. You cannot accomplish all of your dreams. But as long as you keep trying, it’s okay.”

From young, we are taught that anything is possible and acquiring our wishes are inevitable. But it’s not what we acquire or don’t, it’s how we tried and how we overcame the challenges along the way.

The truth is that no one is a failure. If people’s success in life was measured by the unrealistic and shockingly over-exaggerated expectations imposed by society– such as wealth, status, appearance and health– you can be certain that no one can be termed to be successful.

I’m not trying to be fatalistic. Of course we can change aspects of our life, but I also believe that there is a limit to what we can change about some areas. For example, no matter what you do, you may never be a millionaire or a CEO. There are only a few areas of your life which you can change without limits and which do not require miracles, well at least for most. And that’s knowledge, belief, and ethics.

There are no limits in expanding and broadening these. No one can prevent you from obtaining them and you can reach as far as you wish. Good thing is that these are actually the only things that matter. And as long as you keep trying, you can never fail, because in all three, the path is the destination. Every day that you try, you succeed.

Going back to soulmates, I suppose one is always a cynic until it happens. I meant, if it happens.

The adorable thing about the human heart is that it’s like a mischievous free child. It forgets. It’s always happy, and it’s always hopeful about the future. The greatest cynic in the world cannot deny those moments of weakness, when the dark, gloomy clouds of pain, sadness and disappointment depart, revealing that glimmering all-powerful ray of hope, however small it may be, that love exists. There, far away, somewhere in the distance, it awaits, to be found and to find.

Some believe that love is about another person. No. Love is about ourselves.

And maybe it’s about our love for the greatest love of all– the One who is most loving.