The Night

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Saawariya (2007)

I’ve been having a hard time sleeping lately.

It’s not that I’m not sleepy or tired, or won’t be able to sleep if I tried. It’s like my mind resists the idea of falling asleep.

I’ve always loved the night. That period between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. is so beautiful and promising. It brings the satisfaction of having overcome one more day, and the next one seems unperceivably far away. In those hours, it feels as though I have all of infinity at my fingertips.

If I sleep, I feel like I will miss out on something, Like missing a train that can never be caught again. Like missing ideas and emotions that only conceive and blossom in the mysterious, romantic, drowsy moments of the night.

When the hot, bright, contrasting colors of the realistic day fade away, the darkness and coolness brings new possibilities. A different world, a different me.

My mind slows down. I start to listen. Really listen. As thoughts and rigidness relax and fall away, true emotions begin to emerge and show themselves. Like they were hiding under the bed, waiting for the night to arrive.

The sun exposes too much. It reveals the shapes and dents of everything and anything. It’s too dazzling. It forces me to close my eyes.

But the night… The moonlight brings far more clarity than the sun. I sense more than I look. I’m infused and transformed into something a little different than the night before. Every night makes a new me. I don’t want to lose out on that experience.

Do you love the night?

Let Go?

Sometimes,  I feel like I’m living in a dream world. A world of unpredictable chaos. A world where purity is unappreciated, feelings are misunderstood. I’m misunderstood.

They say that everyone and everything is connected. But how can a world connected to me, be so different? So indifferent?

I want to be rid of my emotions. I want to lose all feeling. I want to be an apathetic, unaffected entity. One that cannot be influenced, cannot be harmed. I want to be a machine. Something uncomplexed by a myriad of emotions that tangle and untangle daily.

I want to be rid of all the expectations, judgments, stereotypes, rules that weigh on my conscience, that prevent me from being who I am, at any moment. At this moment.

I want a companion, who is not the destination, but has the same destination. I want us to reach it together.

I’m tired. Of myself. Of working on myself. I just want to let go.

Can I just let go?