You know when you’re swimming in the shaded part of the pool… and then you start floating on the surface of the water and close your eyes. All you can experience is the feeling of the water on your skin. How it plays with your fingers. How you get immersed in it. How your worries dissolve. How you become part of the water. Your perfume mixing with the scent of the water to make another, beautiful scent, that fills and intoxicates the surrounding air.

Then suddenly, everything lights up… you’ve drifted to the sunny part of the pool. The sun indiscriminately shining on every part of you. And you feel so happy, so glad to exist in that moment. Life is so beautiful that no combination of words can ever describe it justly.

Sometimes we talk too much and feel too little. Now is the moment to feel and experience. Just close your eyes, and float. Let it take you wherever it goes.

Stop Fooling Yourself

Stop fooling yourself.

I know you know what love is. I know you know what it looks like and feels like.

Love is effortless. It either is or isn’t.

You can’t make anyone feel it, and when it’s there, it will not keep quiet. Destiny will make it come together, in ways you never could have dreamed of.

Love is not convenient, selfish, proud or vain. There is no confusion, doubt, fear, hesitation, restlessness or insecurity.

Stop making excuses.

It’s not shyness that’s keeping love away. Love is overwhelming, courageous, and it feels perfect. It is perfect.

Love drives away fear and insecurities. Your tests don’t become walls. Your reaching out isn’t interpreted as rejection. If there really is love, it won’t end so quickly. It will not make you cry so, it will not leave you to your loneliness.

It’s not love.

I know you know what love is. I know you know what it looks like and feels like.

Stop fooling yourself.

Listen to Hemingway describe love in the film Midnight in Paris (2011):

The Night


Saawariya (2007)

I’ve been having a hard time sleeping lately.

It’s not that I’m not sleepy or tired, or won’t be able to sleep if I tried. It’s like my mind resists the idea of falling asleep.

I’ve always loved the night. That period between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. is so beautiful and promising. It brings the satisfaction of having overcome one more day, and the next one seems unperceivably far away. In those hours, it feels as though I have all of infinity at my fingertips.

If I sleep, I feel like I will miss out on something, Like missing a train that can never be caught again. Like missing ideas and emotions that only conceive and blossom in the mysterious, romantic, drowsy moments of the night.

When the hot, bright, contrasting colors of the realistic day fade away, the darkness and coolness brings new possibilities. A different world, a different me.

My mind slows down. I start to listen. Really listen. As thoughts and rigidness relax and fall away, true emotions begin to emerge and show themselves. Like they were hiding under the bed, waiting for the night to arrive.

The sun exposes too much. It reveals the shapes and dents of everything and anything. It’s too dazzling. It forces me to close my eyes.

But the night… The moonlight brings far more clarity than the sun. I sense more than I look. I’m infused and transformed into something a little different than the night before. Every night makes a new me. I don’t want to lose out on that experience.

Do you love the night?

We Aren’t Here to Make Things Perfect


Moonstruck (1987)

Loretta, I love you.

Not like the way they told you love is. And I didn’t know this either, but love don’t make things nice. It ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess.

We aren’t here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us. We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts. And love the wrong people, and die. I mean the storybooks are bullshit.

Now will you please come upstairs with me and get in my bed?

Letting Yourself Be Vulnerable

I’ve been listening to many Tara Brach podcasts in the past few days. I find her descriptions of the inner workings of people extremely insightful and true. She uses ideas of Buddhism to understand and explain human emotion and action, and how we can relate to ourselves and one another.

One very interesting thing that she talks about is how we all build scales, to protect ourselves. And it all comes from vulnerabilities and fears — the fear of not being accepted, not being loved, not feeling worthy or deserving of love, etc. And she talks about how we do not allow the love of others to come in because of these fears.

With inspiration of her discussions, I tried to open myself up to someone recently. I definitely did. I was able to go one layer down and reveal the first layer of my vulnerabilities, which I have never done before. But I also realized that there were other layers that I had not reached and had not opened up.

It’s shocking to me how even at times where we have the intention to be very direct, open and honest with someone, we actually are not 100% honest. We still do not reveal the very, very deep workings of our psyche. The very deep and sometimes shameful vulnerabilities that we ourselves have difficulty facing. Even my most honest self, is still withdrawn and scared.

What is it that we’re so scared of? Why is the fear of being rejected and unloved so frightening and powerful? Why do we allow these emotions to control us so? And how can we ever establish truly meaningful relationships if everyone is always pretending that they are stronger and better than they really are? Don’t we all have to let go a little?

Something else I struggle with is what I actually touched upon in a previous post, the struggle of knowing that something is wrong, analyzing it correctly, and expressing it as such, only to later fear that I may have made a mistake or that I have been hurtful. Although my desire to never hurt anyone’s feeling is very strong, I also know that my assessments of and feelings about situations are fairly accurate. And if something doesn’t feel right to me, it probably isn’t right. And that is not something I should regret. I think this mainly has to do with self-confidence and having the assurance of knowing that what I feel, cannot be wrong. Ideas can be wrong. Judgements can be wrong. But feelings, no. You can never tell yourself that what you are feeling is unreal or insignificant. If it exists, if it’s there, there is a reason for it and we have to learn to trust that.

What I do based upon those feelings are still open to discussion. How we react to situations is definitely something that we all can work on. But I think how we feel about them should not be questioned.

Don’t Give Hurt Back


“Now I can see that I bring out the worst in you. Let me just help you to not say something that you’re just going to torture yourself about for years to come.” You’ve Got Mail (1998)

Be who you want to be, no matter the circumstances. Sometimes we get emotional, we get hurt, we get frustrated. We want to point out the faults in others. We want them to understand how much they’ve hurt us, and maybe even pay for their mistakes. Although it seems attractive, it won’t make you happy. It won’t give you what you want and it won’t make anyone have an epiphany and change. But it may hurt their feelings, and then you end up being the same.

I used to think that not opposing the wrongdoings of others made me weak and foolish. I used to think that it meant being taken advantage of. I felt it a duty to present a mirror to them, make them face themselves, and the dark sides of that self.

But then I realized that no one wants to know. And no one is going to change unless they want to. And if that does happen, it will something internal for them and not something that you initiate. And in trying to show the shortcomings of others and make them face it, I realized that I was being judgmental, defensive and mean. But I don’t want to be that person, I am not that person.

Does being kind and forgiving and loving only apply when others treat us the same way? Of course not. If we truly are the kind people we claim to be, we have to be kind even to those who are not kind to us, no matter what they have done and how much they have hurt us.

This is not weakness. This does not mean that you have to give yourself up to that person. It doesn’t mean you have to be with them or do as they say. You still decide how that person will be in relation to you. You still prevent them from hurting you again. But without hatred or anger, without giving hurt back.

It can be extremely difficult to accomplish this. I’m still working on it. When we are very emotional and sensitive, it is difficult to think straight. You may not get it right the first time around. If you don’t, it’s okay. Apologize and move on. I never feel small by apologizing. If I make a mistake, I will own up to it. I will say sorry, and I will move on.

Listen to this: http://www.tarabrach.com/audio/2011-10-19-Divine-Abodes–Compassion-TaraBrach.mp3 

It’s Better to Help People Than a Garden Gnome


Amélie (2001)

“The girl with the glass…”


“Maybe she’s distracted because she’s thinking about someone. “

“Someone in the picture?”

“No. More likely a boy she saw somewhere,  and felt an affinity with.”

“You mean, she’d rather imagine herself relating to someone who’s absent than build relationships with those around her?”

“No. Maybe she tries hard to fix other people’s messy lives.”

“What about her? And her own messy life? Who’ll fix that?”

“It’s better to help people than a garden gnome.”

Let Go?

Sometimes,  I feel like I’m living in a dream world. A world of unpredictable chaos. A world where purity is unappreciated, feelings are misunderstood. I’m misunderstood.

They say that everyone and everything is connected. But how can a world connected to me, be so different? So indifferent?

I want to be rid of my emotions. I want to lose all feeling. I want to be an apathetic, unaffected entity. One that cannot be influenced, cannot be harmed. I want to be a machine. Something uncomplexed by a myriad of emotions that tangle and untangle daily.

I want to be rid of all the expectations, judgments, stereotypes, rules that weigh on my conscience, that prevent me from being who I am, at any moment. At this moment.

I want a companion, who is not the destination, but has the same destination. I want us to reach it together.

I’m tired. Of myself. Of working on myself. I just want to let go.

Can I just let go?



Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you’re not allowed
You’re uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you, you’re not allowed
You’re uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You’re uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don’t think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

Lyricist and singer: Alanis Morissette

Explaining Relationships and Para-Psychology through Quantum Physics

The 1995 film 12 Monkeys presents a causal time loop. Events which are conventionally labelled as “future events” or “past events” cause and result in each other. The whole premise relies on the concept of time in quantum physics. That time, is not a concept of an arrow going in a single direction through which we naturally progress, but rather singular experiences that always exist in space which is four dimensional. So all of our experiences, whether we think of them to be the past, present or the future all exist right now, simultaneously. “Future events” are as concrete and in grasp as “past events.”

If you take a while to think about it, it is a far more clear and real explanation of how we perceive experiences, events, and memories. Understanding that what we believe to be time is actually an illusion, and that the perception of time, like all other experiences is purely subjective, can be consciously liberating.

Another interesting concept of quantum physics is the theory of entanglement. This is when two particles become entangled and then separate in space time. However, this entanglement results in a shared connection which causes a change in one particle to have an instantaneous impact on the other particle, regardless of their distance apart in space time. What Einstein termed as “spooky action at a distance” is in stark contrast to earlier beliefs that particles only have an impact on their immediate surroundings.

What I’m interested in finding out is how these theories help to explain certain human relationships and para-psychological events such as premonition, precognition and retrocognition.

Quantum Physics and Relationships

We’ve all had experiences where we’ve  simultaneously thought or done the same thing as someone who is emotionally close to us, even though they may be physically located very far away. This often happens with close family members, friends, and spouses– people with whom we have shared considerable experiences. The theory of entanglement is the only available explanation for the phenomenon. Somehow, when particles, or in this case, people are entangled and in the process share certain common characteristics, more romantically described as the “connection.”

But what about people with whom we have had very brief interactions, very long “time” ago. Are we capable of maintaining a durable connection in this case? Is the “connection” capable of existing infinitely, unless acted upon by an outside force for example?

There is yet another concept of quantum physics which states that energy gradually disperses. All objects lose energy and eventually reach a state of equilibrium. Therefore, if such a “connection” does exist between particles and people due to entanglement, the force of this connection should reduce, and eventually cease to exist as these particles remain constant in their locations in space time. Meanwhile, the particle is entangling with new and different particles in its immediate surroundings, forming new “connections” that affect its composition.

Trying to explain human relationships and the “connections” that people perceive or feel between one another becomes even more complicated when we try to dive even deeper into the concept of time. If we can visualize ourselves in the four-dimensional time space, it goes to argue that each individual in space time (that has or will ever exist) has its own trajectory, which at any time lies upon and does not lie upon the same trajectory as others. People have trajectories at different angles and directions. Add to that movement, and people also have different rates of speed at which they move through their trajectory. In a way, it could be thought that being within the same trajectory as someone else in space time would allow us access to that person that is otherwise not available. And vice versa.

These ideas can further be elaborated to explain levels of compatibility between people. One exercise denotes people’s taste in music in wavelengths which are then combined to form a new, uniform wavelength. Wavelengths that reinforce each other, indicate a greater amount of compatibility between people. Do that for all hobbies, interests and ways of thinking, and you can calculate a very specific and accurate measurement of human compatibility.

All of this is fine and dandy, until comes along a theory called “the uncertainty principle.” This principle literally shoots through our romantic notions of calculating probabilities of events using quantum physics by saying that there is a level of uncertainty and unpredictability in the universe that cannot be accounted through a probability calculation. So although particles in space time generally behave in certain ways in certain situations, they can also completely catch us by surprise and do something radically different and unexpected.

So is there a way of calculating how people will act or what our relationships will evolve into? It seems, no. We could formulate theories of high probability, but they could also turn out to be completely false.

Quantum Physics and Para-psychology

I have had experiences which para-psychology perceives to be “premonition” or “precognition.” Somehow, these were relatively easy for my mind to understand and accept. But when I had an experience of “retrocognition,” it completely baffled me as I could not perceive how it could be real. Until I learned more about quantum physics that is.

Premonition and precognition describes access to knowledge in the “future” that is not conventionally available. Their only difference seems to be the way in which the information is delivered, whether the information is literal or involves symbolism, and whether it is delivered in a wake or dreaming state. Retrocognition, on the other hand, is access to knowledge in the “past” that is not conventionally available. Let me give you a concrete personal example.

I experienced what I have assessed to be a warped form of retrocognition, of planned terrorist attacks that were prevented before they took place. I had no external access to the knowledge at the time of the retrocognition.

So terrorist attacks are planned for day X and are prevented by law enforcement several days before, on X-2. It is not reflected in the media until day X, after my experience of retrocognition, and is the only way I could obtain such knowledge. On day X, while present at one of the highly probable locations of one of the attacks, an instantaneous and unexplainable idea wholly consumes my mind, “there is going to be a bomb explosion.” It was so overpowering and certain that I raced out of the location and returned home immediately.

By the time I was home however, I dismissed the idea and felt extremely foolish, until shortly later, when a family member informed me of media reports regarding planned terrorist attacks in my town. This is my first external exposure to this knowledge. I am shocked and consider if what I experienced was a premonition. But I research further and learn that the terrorist attacks were in fact prevented by law enforcement several days before when they caught the perpetrators before they could launch their plan. It was not reflected in the media until several days later.

I didn’t even know that the word “retrocognition” existed at the time. But I understood that it cannot be premonition, which is a pre-knowledge of a “future” event. I had obtained a “retro-knowledge” of an event that had not even taken place.

I thought about this for weeks without finding any clear explanation. Now, I think the explanation may lie in quantum physics and the true nature of time. Of course, it pushes the envelope in that it argues that not just events that have happened or will happen, but also events that could have happened also have existence in space time, and are equally accessible. I may have accessed knowledge of the original planned terrorist attack, which was somehow averted, but existed nonetheless.

This may reinforce the idea that there are infinite alternative versions of our current reality that exist simultaneously. And the version that becomes our reality depends on our actions. If law enforcement had not caught the perpetrators that day, the reality on day X would have been a different one.

I think this is a strong hypothesis against those who argue that existence of all possible events, “past,” “present,” and “future”  in space time are predefined and unchangeable. That is not so. We define and change them constantly.

Watch 12 Monkeys, the film that ignited this whole thought process.